Hurt......

Usually, I'd like to say "call the woemobile, i have an emogency." I've gotten to the point where I'm sick and tired of explaining things to people. I've always wanted you, ALWAYS. I'm left here with nothing and I'm wondering if it's even worth it anymore to just be confused and annoyed all the time. I'm in love, but at the same time, it's ridiculous. I have to beg and plead for the person I'm in love with, to even see me one nite a week. Everyone else has something I want, and that's time. It's terrible how I'm stuck between such a rock and a hard place while it's easy for you to do everything you want. I hate the feeling of being left behind. I hate the fact that I feel like I'm never good enough, never good enough for anyone. Once in a great while, it's easy to look you in the eye and say the words I want to, but others I'm afraid that once again, you won't be listening. The not listening situation happens more than 80% of the time. I'm fooling myself, and you're fooling me. You've gone through so much trouble to make me miserable, and now I'm left feeling worthless. How many people have approached me and made me feel so good about myself? A LOT. How many times have I been with you, the person who should make me feel so good about myself, and felt like a piece of garbage? A LOT. Usually I can't complain, because I get more than enough, physically and emotionally, but I think it's time to open my mouth and make you realize that I'm not letting you ruin this anymore than you have. Everyone knows that a relationship has two sides, and two people who can ruin it, or make it perfect. Well, sad as it may sound, more often than not, you're the one who makes it seem as though it's such a chore, and so retarded. Most of the time, the things I do, the person I am, aren't good enough. I'm sick of it, if you want something else, find it. If you want me, you're going to have to give me some kind of heads up, because you basically make me feel like I'm nothing and like you're just there to be there. All the things you've said, and done up to now have been remembered, because I remember everything you say to me, and the things you do for me. I hate the way I'm such a huge secret, and the fact that you can't say I love you infront of other people really pisses me off and bothers me. You swear it's something that's not accepted, or something that's so terrible you don't want others to hear. I appreciate most of the things I have, and others might just be a blessing in disguise. I wish that I had something that I took more seriously than you. I wish my friends were more important to me than you. I wish that I could be so cocky, and so rude, that I would make you upset all the time, but I can't. I'm not like you, I'm nowhere near as raunchy and ridiculous as you. You make the things that happen between us seem like they're nothing, like they're things you go through all the time. The other girls thing, that's all you, you've found a way to be all over it, and once again cut me down to size. I've been cut down, and I've been hurt, but not half as bad as I have been with you. I've found no reason up until this point not to trust you, but I've found reasons to believe that you fuck with me, and you fuck with me pretty bad. Your phone might as well not exsist, because you only use it to contact your friends. I'm a nonentity I guess, I'm something that's there for your pleasure, just there when you want it, or need something from me. That blows, and it really hurts. Day by day I'm losing everything and I'm losing my confidence the quickest. I'm not ready to be hurt as bad as I know I'm going to be. I can't take the way I feel anymore, and I'm not going to let you ruin what we have, because I've been going through with this shit long enough. The winds of change are rolling through, hopefully they will catch up with you.

Smoke........

Close your eyes, imagine everything you've ever wanted right infront of you, blink and it's gone. The water, pours from your eyes, reaches your lips, and disappears into a black hole. Everyone sees your face, reddening with each word passing from your lips. It turns hot, and here you are, left with the worst feelings in the world. Your heart, torn out of it's usual hiding place, and the area left, is found years later, dusty and once again, empty. Not everyone needs love in their lives, and not everyone cares if they're with someone else, but you realize that can't be alone forever. You see him pass with his new girlfriend, and every time you see them, you die inside, you die multiple deaths..... You're still wondering if he feels the same. His eyes wander for a moment, just long enough to lock with yours, and then, he quickly turns back to his new world, where you don't belong. You wish for just one minute, that you gave him the time he wanted, that you gave the time to fix things, and that you, for once, listened to someone else. He was so into himself, everything was him, nothing was about you, nothing, but now, everything is about her. So, you find someone else, someone that will have to suffice for the everything that you lost, but kissing him just isn't the same. You feel his hands slowly travel from your back to your hips, and you stop him, it isn't him that you want. His heart, you had it. His love, you had it. Now, you don't, you don't have anything that you want, and you surely have nothing that you need. Parties, football games, movies, music, they're all different, nothing has the meaning it had when you were with him. You realize that everything happens for a reason, and this really needed to happen. If you were meant to be, then it will happen, but for now, things just haven't gone as planned. You need your space, and he needs his time, he doesn't need you. You don't know what is going to happen next, but it isn't something that you've been looking forward to, and it isn't something good. You love him with your whole heart, there just isn't a way to express it. Everything you've said, you've meant. You have so many thoughts running through your head, but you can't tell him, you have the fear of sounding stupid and him just forgetting about you totally. You need to be open, you need to show your feelings, and you need to be with him. Everything happens for a reason...... Everything...... You are my everything still....

Adorable.....

I'm listening to the 500 Greatest Rock and Roll songs while I get some work done and they truly are the greatest. It's so funny how music can put you in such a better mood when things don't seem to be going right at all. I love my new job and everything seemed to be going really well, unfortunately now, my relationship is on the rocks. I think for right now, all I could say is music is my boyfriend, no if's and's or but's about it. I'll post again soon.

Untitled..... How does it feel?

I never thought that I would fall in love with someone so amazing in every aspect of the word. You've done nothing but prove to me time and time again that you were nothing but faithful and and in love with me. The moment I opened my mouth, the silence on the other end made me realize how hard and how far your heart really fell. The sound of your voice went from somewhat compassionate to distrusting and angry, I knew I made a mistake. It was like being in grade school, you knew what you took part in was wrong and you were going to get in trouble, but you stuck to your guns and told on yourself anyway. I never should have done that to you and you know more than anything how much I love you. You're my sun and my earth, no day is complete without you. You're my air and I need you more than anything else.

I love you and I will love you forever. Nothing will ever tear us apart because you're it. I'm counting on you baby, make me better. I have nothing to say...... but I am sorry.

Can't read my..... No, he can't read my poker face......

Everyday you realize things are getting so unbearable, you feel like everything is just crumpling around you, and you try really hard to make it work. Things are finally on the up and up but of course you ruin it again. Giggles, smiles, tinglies, all turned into nothingness again. So many bad habits, habits you can't break, that bring out the worst in both of you. I look deep inside myself, I try to find myself and bring that out for you, I just can't seem to show you that person. "She's so sweet, beautiful, and she cares so much about everyone; everything." You'll never see that person because to you I need to be the tough one, the take no shit kind of girl. The side of me you never see is the side of me that is so wonderful. I've come to find that men cause the resentment in me to come out. I resent men. I've been wronged, horribly wronged, and I know how it hurts. I can't let anyone in and that's my biggest problem. The closer I get to someone, the more afraid I become. You're my best friend. You mean the entire world to me. I have fear. I fear that maybe if I don't give you this attitude, I'll be too soft, and you'll leave me. I'm a strong willed Italian woman, headstrong, and I take myself really seriously. I've made so many mistakes in the past few years and I wouldn't change a thing. I built off them and now I'm a much better person. So what, my past blew, I'm changing myself to make my future better. Things just aren't going as planned. Anyway, the point is that I'm ruining things and it's not making me feel better.

Perfection (n) - an ideal instance; a perfect embodiment of a concept.

Why is everyone always trying to make things perfect? It rarely ever works, unless they reach their own level of perfection, what they believe is perfect. No one has the perfect relationship, the perfect soul, the perfect anything, but I guess everyone has their own estimations. There is not one point or thing in my life that I could say has reached perfection. I wish there was. Try and try again as the old addage goes. I'm a fuck up, I always have been, always will be. I want to try so hard to make everything better, to make everything right, but as always I know I will fail. I'm not pessimistic, I just don't see a point in looking for rainbows and butterflies when they're not always going to be there. I've come to the painful realization that you need to do what makes you happy, whether other people like it or not. I've been very lucky my whole life, not always having things handed to me, I learned to value a lot of things. So what if I think differently? Everyone does. When I'm happy, you'll know. You can't push me, you can't think that if you change the least bit and hope I notice that I'll be happy. Everything in life is hard, but you can make things easy. Our situation is completely fucked up and so is the way we treat each other. Shape up or ship out, that's my favorite saying, and it has so much meaning. There isn't much more I could handle, so if you think you can't take the extra steps to make it work, we're nothing. I love you, I've loved you always. Don't make me regret this, please?

There was something different about us, then.....

Most recently I introduced a local band, The Five Percent, to my boyfriend. Before I introduced them to him I would listen to them here and there, but since I sent him their cds, I've been listening to them non-stop. I love music that I can really relate to, and they make every situation into a seemingly beautiful song. Their music style isn't anything to thrash to or "rock out" to, but they still make great music. The first time I heard of them was when a friend of mine wanted me to listen to a band that her cousin was the drummer for. She turned on the cd in the car one night, and from that moment on, I loved them. About a month after I heard their cd for the first time, we went to see them at a small show at one of our local college's arts building. I couldn't stop singing their songs, and I couldn't believe how much their music really spoke to my soul. The lead singer's voice was "like a combination of Fergie and Jesus." Not really Fergie, but Jesus and someone who is a really talented singer. I just remember how diverse the crowd was, high school kids, college kids, business men and women, and older people. I wondered how many of these people were related to the members of the band, and then I found out that at most 5 of them were. When I saw how many people truly loved their music, I was turned on to them right away.

The band is composed of 4 young gentlemen. Matt (lead vocals and guitar), Neil (vocals and guitar), Brian (bass), and T. (drums). Their music isn't bubblegum pop or anything too dark and mysterious. They are classified as Adult Alternative/Pop Rock and there is never any despair or wallowing in their musical ways. When you listen to a cd or even a song by The Five Percent, you realize how sincere they really are when it comes to music and lyrics. I think that their music is very airy and has a tinge of rock here and there. They get their inspiration from the riches of the world but don't necessarily need the riches to keep writing and giving their music with equal opportunity. The band has been across the world many times, performing concerts and selling thousands and thousands of cds. There isn't much difference between TFP and a nationally acclaimed band, the only difference is a couple dollars really. TFP is very modest about their music and they all say how much they love to write and provide a sense of comfort and understanding to their fans.

Unfortunately I've only been lucky enough to see them once, but they make appearances across the U.S. and locally too. It's great, now that I'm 21, I could go and see them play in bars so it makes it much easier than it used to be. They have such a great sound and great lyrics, the only thing is that they are on an independant label so you'll never hear them on the radio. If they were to get signed by a record label I think they'd get a lot of radio time, they'd be really popular locally but I'm sure they'd hit it big across the U.S. TFP is also featured in the "Concert for A Cause" show annually held here in Wilkes Barre, and they make many appearances at local bars and sometimes colleges. You can now purchase their music on ITunes which is pretty cool and I know that the local record stores have their cds too. If you have any time I really think you should check them out. Their website is; The Five Percent.

I'm glad to get to share this information about such a great band with everyone and I'd really suggest you check them out. You'll understand why I love them so much if you do.

On a completely different note, I was talking to a friend of mine earlier and they gave me the link to a youtube video that was pretty hilarious in my estimation. It was some idiot playing super mario and he was completely frustrated, but he said such unnecessary things that it was pretty funny. I have so much to do but the fact that I could sit here and tool around on the internet is always good. I haven't posted in so long, it felt good to get this going again. Hopefully I'll be making another post soon and you can all enjoy. :] Make the most of today :]

This is pretty funny, actually it's a gem.

James Harrison after his 100 yd touchdown return


I'll post some stuff later :]