Hurt......

Usually, I'd like to say "call the woemobile, i have an emogency." I've gotten to the point where I'm sick and tired of explaining things to people. I've always wanted you, ALWAYS. I'm left here with nothing and I'm wondering if it's even worth it anymore to just be confused and annoyed all the time. I'm in love, but at the same time, it's ridiculous. I have to beg and plead for the person I'm in love with, to even see me one nite a week. Everyone else has something I want, and that's time. It's terrible how I'm stuck between such a rock and a hard place while it's easy for you to do everything you want. I hate the feeling of being left behind. I hate the fact that I feel like I'm never good enough, never good enough for anyone. Once in a great while, it's easy to look you in the eye and say the words I want to, but others I'm afraid that once again, you won't be listening. The not listening situation happens more than 80% of the time. I'm fooling myself, and you're fooling me. You've gone through so much trouble to make me miserable, and now I'm left feeling worthless. How many people have approached me and made me feel so good about myself? A LOT. How many times have I been with you, the person who should make me feel so good about myself, and felt like a piece of garbage? A LOT. Usually I can't complain, because I get more than enough, physically and emotionally, but I think it's time to open my mouth and make you realize that I'm not letting you ruin this anymore than you have. Everyone knows that a relationship has two sides, and two people who can ruin it, or make it perfect. Well, sad as it may sound, more often than not, you're the one who makes it seem as though it's such a chore, and so retarded. Most of the time, the things I do, the person I am, aren't good enough. I'm sick of it, if you want something else, find it. If you want me, you're going to have to give me some kind of heads up, because you basically make me feel like I'm nothing and like you're just there to be there. All the things you've said, and done up to now have been remembered, because I remember everything you say to me, and the things you do for me. I hate the way I'm such a huge secret, and the fact that you can't say I love you infront of other people really pisses me off and bothers me. You swear it's something that's not accepted, or something that's so terrible you don't want others to hear. I appreciate most of the things I have, and others might just be a blessing in disguise. I wish that I had something that I took more seriously than you. I wish my friends were more important to me than you. I wish that I could be so cocky, and so rude, that I would make you upset all the time, but I can't. I'm not like you, I'm nowhere near as raunchy and ridiculous as you. You make the things that happen between us seem like they're nothing, like they're things you go through all the time. The other girls thing, that's all you, you've found a way to be all over it, and once again cut me down to size. I've been cut down, and I've been hurt, but not half as bad as I have been with you. I've found no reason up until this point not to trust you, but I've found reasons to believe that you fuck with me, and you fuck with me pretty bad. Your phone might as well not exsist, because you only use it to contact your friends. I'm a nonentity I guess, I'm something that's there for your pleasure, just there when you want it, or need something from me. That blows, and it really hurts. Day by day I'm losing everything and I'm losing my confidence the quickest. I'm not ready to be hurt as bad as I know I'm going to be. I can't take the way I feel anymore, and I'm not going to let you ruin what we have, because I've been going through with this shit long enough. The winds of change are rolling through, hopefully they will catch up with you.

Smoke........

Close your eyes, imagine everything you've ever wanted right infront of you, blink and it's gone. The water, pours from your eyes, reaches your lips, and disappears into a black hole. Everyone sees your face, reddening with each word passing from your lips. It turns hot, and here you are, left with the worst feelings in the world. Your heart, torn out of it's usual hiding place, and the area left, is found years later, dusty and once again, empty. Not everyone needs love in their lives, and not everyone cares if they're with someone else, but you realize that can't be alone forever. You see him pass with his new girlfriend, and every time you see them, you die inside, you die multiple deaths..... You're still wondering if he feels the same. His eyes wander for a moment, just long enough to lock with yours, and then, he quickly turns back to his new world, where you don't belong. You wish for just one minute, that you gave him the time he wanted, that you gave the time to fix things, and that you, for once, listened to someone else. He was so into himself, everything was him, nothing was about you, nothing, but now, everything is about her. So, you find someone else, someone that will have to suffice for the everything that you lost, but kissing him just isn't the same. You feel his hands slowly travel from your back to your hips, and you stop him, it isn't him that you want. His heart, you had it. His love, you had it. Now, you don't, you don't have anything that you want, and you surely have nothing that you need. Parties, football games, movies, music, they're all different, nothing has the meaning it had when you were with him. You realize that everything happens for a reason, and this really needed to happen. If you were meant to be, then it will happen, but for now, things just haven't gone as planned. You need your space, and he needs his time, he doesn't need you. You don't know what is going to happen next, but it isn't something that you've been looking forward to, and it isn't something good. You love him with your whole heart, there just isn't a way to express it. Everything you've said, you've meant. You have so many thoughts running through your head, but you can't tell him, you have the fear of sounding stupid and him just forgetting about you totally. You need to be open, you need to show your feelings, and you need to be with him. Everything happens for a reason...... Everything...... You are my everything still....