So.....

I'm exhausted.


Fin.

Sometimes silence is the best.......

The phone rings and your first inclination is to answer right away, but it's best to just let it ring through to voicemail. The feeling is there, burning in your heart, your stomach rolls, the feelings are swirling like the start of a tornado. All the things you know that have gotten you to this point are lost, your mind is gone completely blank and all you worry about is him. He sends these chilling feelings down your whole body and you know you're in love. I've never questioned the way I felt about him, I've never once since the moment I met him thought about someone else, and somehow we still get into these arguments. The feelings just aren't there sometimes, not saying I stop loving him, but at times I feel like we are two different people. Maybe I should somewhat explain this before I continue.

I met John and from that moment I was in complete bliss. I finally found a guy who was truly interested in me and it felt really good. The first night we talked, we talked for 2 hours and from that moment I knew he was going to be someone special. We didn't really miss a beat in our conversation, it was like we'd known each other forever, that's what I liked about him. Sports, music, everything, we had everything in common. Unfortunately I fell asleep on him that night, I wake up in the middle of the night to put my computer away and find that he left me his phone number, he was pretty confident. I woke up somewhat early for a summer day and I texted him, not expecting a response, he came online and asked if I texted him. I was worried that he thought I was rushing so I tried to back off. He imed me every time he was online and the more we talked, the more I liked him. We started talking on the phone and that's when I fell in love. Everything about him was so perfect for me, he was and is my perfect guy.

The feelings I had then are eight hundred times stronger now, and they grow every day. He's the one I'm settling with, he's the one who made me realize it was okay to finally be me, and he was the one who showed me true love. Everyone I've been with before was into themselves and how they felt, not him. If I could sit here and try to list everything I love about him, I'd need infinite space to write. I know we fight more often than not but it's not because we don't love each other. The time and distance is just terrible at this point in the relationship. When I need to talk to someone, I find him. It's not that I don't want to be in the relationship but sometimes I feel like we're just not in the same place in time. I know how much he loves me, he loves me more than anything and I the same way with him. He's my priority and he's everything to me. I'm so comfortable with him and I'm just afraid he's too busy proving himself to other people than he is with being with me. I know that a lot of the things I say make me sound selfish, but I'm not selfish in the least.

I'd spill my guts for this boy. I'm in love with him, I want nothing but him. I'm marrying him, I'm being a mother to his children, I'm retiring with him, I'm going to be there when he needs me years and years down the road. He may think that sometimes I don't want to be with him, but in reality that's all I want. Distance is a bitch, but I know that it's the biggest problem we have. I'll never hurt him, I'll never leave him, and I hope he'll be the same with me. I'm 21 years old, ready to settle down. It's not a bad thing and I'm happy I finally found a guy who makes me feel this way about love. I've planned my wedding and when I step to that altar he's going to be the one standing infront of me. I think we both need to stop with the paranoia and we both need to realize that sometimes not talking is the best thing we could do for each other. Silence is golden.

You're my everything and that is the truth. Without you, I don't know where I'd be. You're amazing, gorgeous, and you're perfect for me. I can't wait to hold you and kiss you. I can't wait until we're both coming home from work and sitting on the couch just talking. I need you in my life. I want you in every aspect of my life. We're going to be an amazing couple and I promise you it starts now.

Options....

Ever since I was a youngin' I've been given options and choices. I walk into the mall or a store, and the shelves are laden with options. There are several things in life that don't allow you a choice or option and those are the most important things. Many oppurtunities come up along the way; but without a choice what is an oppurtunity? Unfortunately I've been out of work for three weeks and I don't really know if I'll still have a job after I recouperate from this bronchitis. I decided that while I was off and in bed for weeks I'd look for a new job, just in case the one I already have doesn't work out. I've applied at so many places, using customer service as my background, and only two have called me back. Let's outweigh the options.

The first option I have is the bank. Getting a job at the bank would mean some sort of job security and really good benefits. The job description I would have at the bank would be lavish as compared to the garbage that I have to do at my current job every day. All I would be expected to do is answer the phone, look up customer information on a computer, and enjoy time at a desk in a cubicle. The hours at the bank would be 9:30 to 6, how great is that? So the first thing, full time with benefits, this job looks pretty amazing.

My second option is Telerx. Telerx is a company where customers call and complain to the unsympathetic associates on the phone about their cookies and crackers being broken in the package. This job also offers benefits and is also full time. This job would consist of me sitting at a telephone all day listening to complaints and probably doing nothing but taking their information so the company could send them a new package or a free coupon for a new batch. The hours on this job? 11:30 A.M. to 8 P.M. That doesn't really appeal to me, I mean come on, I do have a life.

So here I am once again given options in my life with no idea what to choose. Well the bank would be the obvious choice but they may call me back next week and tell me that they found a better candidate for the one opening they have. If that happens my obvious choice will have to be Telerx, but I mean benefits and money make all the difference in the world.

Relationships on the other hand don't give you options or choices. Well, you're given choices but they aren't the good kind. The only choices you have in a relationship are where you're going to dinner or what movie looks like it's the best. All of my adult life, (compiled of the years 17-present) I've given myself options in my relationships. I'd be dating someone, who at the time I was "in love" with, and I'd still have the people on the side that were just there. Frequently enough I'd hang out with these people and get the good feelings I needed from them while the person I dated had staying power and was waiting for me to be ready. Right now I don't have options in my relationship, I have a choice. He's my choice and he's the only choice I'm going to be making in a long while. I've finally found someone that I'm going to settle down with and be with, sometimes I wish he had a choice. This guy has made me realize that I don't need options anymore and that I've really grown up. I'm happy about this because I finally know that there's someone who gets me. I've been going a long time with people thinking I'm just weird and obnoxious, but he really truly sees me for me. It gives me flutterbies.

So since I've been doing nothing but babbling, I hope this really makes you think about your opportunities, options, and choices. Life's what you make it, make it into something you want not something that is expected of you. Hopefully this job thing works out for the best and this relationship, too. Make the most of today. :]

I turn the radio on, I turn the radio up.

All the craziness has finally slowed down, thank God. I've been doing nothing but lying in bed and watching television. First of all the one thing I'm really looking forward to on television is happening on February 1st on NBC. That's right, it's the Super Bowl. My Pittsburgh Steelers are making their way back into the hearts of fans everywhere. In the area I live, the Steelers are the real big thing. We have a little shop about 15 minutes away where there is nothing but Steelers paraphanalia which I think is pretty awesome.

Ben Roethlisberger just needs to go another three days without hopping on a motorcycle and we'll be fine. The running game the Steelers have could be deadly if used correctly. Santonio Holmes is really a secret weapon. Hines Ward is coming back for the Super Bowl which is a really good thing for fans everywhere. Willie Parker has a really great rushing game if they allow him to run the ball. Troy is going to be the one to make this game worth watching, atleast I have a feeling he is.

As you may know, my team is the Yankees and the only thing I will do is read Joe Torre's book where he bashes them with nothing but unconditional love. If Brian Cashman didn't fuck everything up with him, he'd still be with my team. LA Dodgers should be my new team because Joe Torre is an amazing manager. I have to give credit to my boyfriend, John, for even bringing up the fact that he was writing a book to air all the dirty laundry about ARod and the whole team in general. George Steinbrenner could suck it.

So about me, I'm 21 and drinking alcohol is not really my thing. I took time out of my life to quit school and have a terrible job but I'm going to make things up soon. I've got a boyfriend who I care about more than anything. We're in love. I love to read, write, and watch television. Music is one of the greatest loves of my life. No matter what kind of mood you're in, your favorite music will always make you happy. I love to sing and dance no matter who is around. Check back for many more posts.