Can't read my..... No, he can't read my poker face......

Everyday you realize things are getting so unbearable, you feel like everything is just crumpling around you, and you try really hard to make it work. Things are finally on the up and up but of course you ruin it again. Giggles, smiles, tinglies, all turned into nothingness again. So many bad habits, habits you can't break, that bring out the worst in both of you. I look deep inside myself, I try to find myself and bring that out for you, I just can't seem to show you that person. "She's so sweet, beautiful, and she cares so much about everyone; everything." You'll never see that person because to you I need to be the tough one, the take no shit kind of girl. The side of me you never see is the side of me that is so wonderful. I've come to find that men cause the resentment in me to come out. I resent men. I've been wronged, horribly wronged, and I know how it hurts. I can't let anyone in and that's my biggest problem. The closer I get to someone, the more afraid I become. You're my best friend. You mean the entire world to me. I have fear. I fear that maybe if I don't give you this attitude, I'll be too soft, and you'll leave me. I'm a strong willed Italian woman, headstrong, and I take myself really seriously. I've made so many mistakes in the past few years and I wouldn't change a thing. I built off them and now I'm a much better person. So what, my past blew, I'm changing myself to make my future better. Things just aren't going as planned. Anyway, the point is that I'm ruining things and it's not making me feel better.

Perfection (n) - an ideal instance; a perfect embodiment of a concept.

Why is everyone always trying to make things perfect? It rarely ever works, unless they reach their own level of perfection, what they believe is perfect. No one has the perfect relationship, the perfect soul, the perfect anything, but I guess everyone has their own estimations. There is not one point or thing in my life that I could say has reached perfection. I wish there was. Try and try again as the old addage goes. I'm a fuck up, I always have been, always will be. I want to try so hard to make everything better, to make everything right, but as always I know I will fail. I'm not pessimistic, I just don't see a point in looking for rainbows and butterflies when they're not always going to be there. I've come to the painful realization that you need to do what makes you happy, whether other people like it or not. I've been very lucky my whole life, not always having things handed to me, I learned to value a lot of things. So what if I think differently? Everyone does. When I'm happy, you'll know. You can't push me, you can't think that if you change the least bit and hope I notice that I'll be happy. Everything in life is hard, but you can make things easy. Our situation is completely fucked up and so is the way we treat each other. Shape up or ship out, that's my favorite saying, and it has so much meaning. There isn't much more I could handle, so if you think you can't take the extra steps to make it work, we're nothing. I love you, I've loved you always. Don't make me regret this, please?

There was something different about us, then.....

Most recently I introduced a local band, The Five Percent, to my boyfriend. Before I introduced them to him I would listen to them here and there, but since I sent him their cds, I've been listening to them non-stop. I love music that I can really relate to, and they make every situation into a seemingly beautiful song. Their music style isn't anything to thrash to or "rock out" to, but they still make great music. The first time I heard of them was when a friend of mine wanted me to listen to a band that her cousin was the drummer for. She turned on the cd in the car one night, and from that moment on, I loved them. About a month after I heard their cd for the first time, we went to see them at a small show at one of our local college's arts building. I couldn't stop singing their songs, and I couldn't believe how much their music really spoke to my soul. The lead singer's voice was "like a combination of Fergie and Jesus." Not really Fergie, but Jesus and someone who is a really talented singer. I just remember how diverse the crowd was, high school kids, college kids, business men and women, and older people. I wondered how many of these people were related to the members of the band, and then I found out that at most 5 of them were. When I saw how many people truly loved their music, I was turned on to them right away.

The band is composed of 4 young gentlemen. Matt (lead vocals and guitar), Neil (vocals and guitar), Brian (bass), and T. (drums). Their music isn't bubblegum pop or anything too dark and mysterious. They are classified as Adult Alternative/Pop Rock and there is never any despair or wallowing in their musical ways. When you listen to a cd or even a song by The Five Percent, you realize how sincere they really are when it comes to music and lyrics. I think that their music is very airy and has a tinge of rock here and there. They get their inspiration from the riches of the world but don't necessarily need the riches to keep writing and giving their music with equal opportunity. The band has been across the world many times, performing concerts and selling thousands and thousands of cds. There isn't much difference between TFP and a nationally acclaimed band, the only difference is a couple dollars really. TFP is very modest about their music and they all say how much they love to write and provide a sense of comfort and understanding to their fans.

Unfortunately I've only been lucky enough to see them once, but they make appearances across the U.S. and locally too. It's great, now that I'm 21, I could go and see them play in bars so it makes it much easier than it used to be. They have such a great sound and great lyrics, the only thing is that they are on an independant label so you'll never hear them on the radio. If they were to get signed by a record label I think they'd get a lot of radio time, they'd be really popular locally but I'm sure they'd hit it big across the U.S. TFP is also featured in the "Concert for A Cause" show annually held here in Wilkes Barre, and they make many appearances at local bars and sometimes colleges. You can now purchase their music on ITunes which is pretty cool and I know that the local record stores have their cds too. If you have any time I really think you should check them out. Their website is; The Five Percent.

I'm glad to get to share this information about such a great band with everyone and I'd really suggest you check them out. You'll understand why I love them so much if you do.

On a completely different note, I was talking to a friend of mine earlier and they gave me the link to a youtube video that was pretty hilarious in my estimation. It was some idiot playing super mario and he was completely frustrated, but he said such unnecessary things that it was pretty funny. I have so much to do but the fact that I could sit here and tool around on the internet is always good. I haven't posted in so long, it felt good to get this going again. Hopefully I'll be making another post soon and you can all enjoy. :] Make the most of today :]

This is pretty funny, actually it's a gem.

James Harrison after his 100 yd touchdown return


I'll post some stuff later :]

I'm wide awake and so alive, ringing like a bell.......

You hear that first riff of the guitar and you feel it in your bones. Your eyes light up and a smile makes it's way across your mouth. Music is your escape, music makes you feel better, music let's you pour out all of your pain. Music is you. One song starts and it turns into a whole playlist. One song into another, into another, into your life. It seems like every opportunity you have, you use a lyric from one of your favorite songs to express how you feel. Music impacts every person differently, but one thing about music is the same for everyone, it's a passion. There's one thing I can always remember, the first instance where I used music as my escape.

Growing up, cousins were easy to find, I mean I have a million. Aunts and uncles were pretty sparse, 7 on my dad's side, none on my mother's. When it came to having a close knit family though, that was my mom's side. My grandmother had six siblings, five of which I had the amazing chance to meet and bond with. They were my great-aunts and uncles, the ones who taught me all I know about my Italian heritage, how to respect my family, and even when it was hard, how to listen to my parents' requests. My most favorite uncle was always my uncle Carlo, he taught me everything I know, I'd like to thank him for my attitude. As time went on, I realized in my own young age that my great-aunts and uncles were getting older, and I didn't seem to mind. One by one they were passing on and I was hurting inside, but it wasn't until my uncle Carlo passed that something really hit me. I remember like it was yesterday, I woke up and got ready for school I was in the fifth grade and really didn't like it. I went along my whole day as if everything was perfect but when school let out, my mother hit me with the news. My uncle Carlo passed away, I can just remember sitting in the passenger seat of our van and crying my eyes out. I turned the radio up to stifle the sounds of my crying and that's when it hit me. Music was my outlet, music made me feel a little bit better. The song "Angel of Mine" by Monica came on. One of the lyrics is "how you changed my world you'll never know, I'm different now you helped me grow." That was the moment I knew that I had to do something with music. He was sending that song from the request drive in heaven straight to me. I'll never forget that moment. After this instance, I started singing. Lessons were the best thing I ever could have done, but now I'm afraid that my voice has been completely crippled by the terrible cigarette habit I had for those 2 years. I'm trying to restore my voice back to normal so I could sing to anyone like I always used to.

As the years have progressed I learned that I was into so many different genres of music. If I sit down and listen to a song, I truly listen. I dissect songs and pick them apart so that I can really analyze if I like them or not. I constantly find that I'm listening to more and more Indie and Folk music than I do any other genre. The greatest feeling in the world is to listen to a song and relate so much to the lyrics. Music teaches you so many lessons, and many of the artists of songs relate their music to their fans and listeners. Songs that have a real life meaning to the artist are the ones that I feel are most noble.

Some of the artists I listen to daily are:
Matt Nathanson
Dave Matthews Band
The Five Percent (local)
Lady Antebellum
Matthew West
Lil Wayne (I know)
Renee Olstead
Michael Buble
Tony Bennett
Rod Stewart

Basically what I want anyone who reads this post to do is to look deeper into your music collection. No matter how eclectic your taste, read into lyrics, listen as closely as you can, and don't just stimulate your ears. Every song that you listen to should be able to fit into any moment of your everyday life. Use lyrics as your getaway, use music as your medicine. Take a deep breath and listen. Make the most of today. :]

Okay so this is just for fun before a serious post.....

So, here's how it works:
1. Open your library (iTunes, Winamp, Media Player, iPod, etc)
2. Put it on shuffle
3. Press play
4. For every question, answer with the song that's playing
5. When you go to a new question, press the next button
6. Don't lie and try to pretend you're cool...



Opening Credits:
I'm Still In Love - The Five Percent


Waking Up:
Falling Apart - Matt Nathanson


First Day Of School:
Dave Matthews and Tim Reynolds - Granny


Falling In Love:
Stay (Wasting Time) - Dave Matthews Band


First Song:
Butterflies - The Five Percent


Fight Song:
Slow Cheetah - R.H.C.P


Breaking Up:
So Damn Lucky - Dave Matthews


Prom:
Dr. Carter - Lil Wayne


Life:
Miracle - Paramore


Mental Breakdown:
Over My Head (Cable Car) - The Fray

Driving:
Traffic - The Five Percent (perfection)

Flashback:
Still On My Brain - Justin Timberlake


Getting Back Together:
Disappear - Beyonce



Birth Of Child:
Ants Marching - Dave Matthews Band


Final Battle:
Walk Alone - The Five Percent


Death Scene:
Heartbreak World - Matt Nathanson

Funeral Scene
Money Honey - Lady Gaga

End Credits:
Radio Bye Bye - Coheed and Cambria

Running..... Keep running......

I should have run from you, but I was stupid.
I would have saved myself from being hurt everyday.
I woke up and find myself enclosed in pity and
self-consciousness. You didn't care about me, you never did.
But I was there for you, and I was stupid.

I need to move on because the way I'm feeling now is getting me nowhere. I'm going to stop focusing on all the bad stuff and I'm moving on. There are so many people that love me and would do anything for me. He's not one of them. All he does is make me feel like garbage and he always knows how to get to me. It makes me feel somewhat better that the angry stuff I always write revolves around him. What I wrote above is true. If I ran away from him when I had the chance I'd feel so much better, I'd feel perfect. Hate is baggage and life's too short to be pissed off all the time. I've got so many things going for me, and I'm using him as an excuse to hold myself back from excellence. I'll write more later..... Steeler's bowl tonight and I'm going to shower..... Make the most of today :]