Hurt......

Usually, I'd like to say "call the woemobile, i have an emogency." I've gotten to the point where I'm sick and tired of explaining things to people. I've always wanted you, ALWAYS. I'm left here with nothing and I'm wondering if it's even worth it anymore to just be confused and annoyed all the time. I'm in love, but at the same time, it's ridiculous. I have to beg and plead for the person I'm in love with, to even see me one nite a week. Everyone else has something I want, and that's time. It's terrible how I'm stuck between such a rock and a hard place while it's easy for you to do everything you want. I hate the feeling of being left behind. I hate the fact that I feel like I'm never good enough, never good enough for anyone. Once in a great while, it's easy to look you in the eye and say the words I want to, but others I'm afraid that once again, you won't be listening. The not listening situation happens more than 80% of the time. I'm fooling myself, and you're fooling me. You've gone through so much trouble to make me miserable, and now I'm left feeling worthless. How many people have approached me and made me feel so good about myself? A LOT. How many times have I been with you, the person who should make me feel so good about myself, and felt like a piece of garbage? A LOT. Usually I can't complain, because I get more than enough, physically and emotionally, but I think it's time to open my mouth and make you realize that I'm not letting you ruin this anymore than you have. Everyone knows that a relationship has two sides, and two people who can ruin it, or make it perfect. Well, sad as it may sound, more often than not, you're the one who makes it seem as though it's such a chore, and so retarded. Most of the time, the things I do, the person I am, aren't good enough. I'm sick of it, if you want something else, find it. If you want me, you're going to have to give me some kind of heads up, because you basically make me feel like I'm nothing and like you're just there to be there. All the things you've said, and done up to now have been remembered, because I remember everything you say to me, and the things you do for me. I hate the way I'm such a huge secret, and the fact that you can't say I love you infront of other people really pisses me off and bothers me. You swear it's something that's not accepted, or something that's so terrible you don't want others to hear. I appreciate most of the things I have, and others might just be a blessing in disguise. I wish that I had something that I took more seriously than you. I wish my friends were more important to me than you. I wish that I could be so cocky, and so rude, that I would make you upset all the time, but I can't. I'm not like you, I'm nowhere near as raunchy and ridiculous as you. You make the things that happen between us seem like they're nothing, like they're things you go through all the time. The other girls thing, that's all you, you've found a way to be all over it, and once again cut me down to size. I've been cut down, and I've been hurt, but not half as bad as I have been with you. I've found no reason up until this point not to trust you, but I've found reasons to believe that you fuck with me, and you fuck with me pretty bad. Your phone might as well not exsist, because you only use it to contact your friends. I'm a nonentity I guess, I'm something that's there for your pleasure, just there when you want it, or need something from me. That blows, and it really hurts. Day by day I'm losing everything and I'm losing my confidence the quickest. I'm not ready to be hurt as bad as I know I'm going to be. I can't take the way I feel anymore, and I'm not going to let you ruin what we have, because I've been going through with this shit long enough. The winds of change are rolling through, hopefully they will catch up with you.

Smoke........

Close your eyes, imagine everything you've ever wanted right infront of you, blink and it's gone. The water, pours from your eyes, reaches your lips, and disappears into a black hole. Everyone sees your face, reddening with each word passing from your lips. It turns hot, and here you are, left with the worst feelings in the world. Your heart, torn out of it's usual hiding place, and the area left, is found years later, dusty and once again, empty. Not everyone needs love in their lives, and not everyone cares if they're with someone else, but you realize that can't be alone forever. You see him pass with his new girlfriend, and every time you see them, you die inside, you die multiple deaths..... You're still wondering if he feels the same. His eyes wander for a moment, just long enough to lock with yours, and then, he quickly turns back to his new world, where you don't belong. You wish for just one minute, that you gave him the time he wanted, that you gave the time to fix things, and that you, for once, listened to someone else. He was so into himself, everything was him, nothing was about you, nothing, but now, everything is about her. So, you find someone else, someone that will have to suffice for the everything that you lost, but kissing him just isn't the same. You feel his hands slowly travel from your back to your hips, and you stop him, it isn't him that you want. His heart, you had it. His love, you had it. Now, you don't, you don't have anything that you want, and you surely have nothing that you need. Parties, football games, movies, music, they're all different, nothing has the meaning it had when you were with him. You realize that everything happens for a reason, and this really needed to happen. If you were meant to be, then it will happen, but for now, things just haven't gone as planned. You need your space, and he needs his time, he doesn't need you. You don't know what is going to happen next, but it isn't something that you've been looking forward to, and it isn't something good. You love him with your whole heart, there just isn't a way to express it. Everything you've said, you've meant. You have so many thoughts running through your head, but you can't tell him, you have the fear of sounding stupid and him just forgetting about you totally. You need to be open, you need to show your feelings, and you need to be with him. Everything happens for a reason...... Everything...... You are my everything still....

Adorable.....

I'm listening to the 500 Greatest Rock and Roll songs while I get some work done and they truly are the greatest. It's so funny how music can put you in such a better mood when things don't seem to be going right at all. I love my new job and everything seemed to be going really well, unfortunately now, my relationship is on the rocks. I think for right now, all I could say is music is my boyfriend, no if's and's or but's about it. I'll post again soon.

Untitled..... How does it feel?

I never thought that I would fall in love with someone so amazing in every aspect of the word. You've done nothing but prove to me time and time again that you were nothing but faithful and and in love with me. The moment I opened my mouth, the silence on the other end made me realize how hard and how far your heart really fell. The sound of your voice went from somewhat compassionate to distrusting and angry, I knew I made a mistake. It was like being in grade school, you knew what you took part in was wrong and you were going to get in trouble, but you stuck to your guns and told on yourself anyway. I never should have done that to you and you know more than anything how much I love you. You're my sun and my earth, no day is complete without you. You're my air and I need you more than anything else.

I love you and I will love you forever. Nothing will ever tear us apart because you're it. I'm counting on you baby, make me better. I have nothing to say...... but I am sorry.

Can't read my..... No, he can't read my poker face......

Everyday you realize things are getting so unbearable, you feel like everything is just crumpling around you, and you try really hard to make it work. Things are finally on the up and up but of course you ruin it again. Giggles, smiles, tinglies, all turned into nothingness again. So many bad habits, habits you can't break, that bring out the worst in both of you. I look deep inside myself, I try to find myself and bring that out for you, I just can't seem to show you that person. "She's so sweet, beautiful, and she cares so much about everyone; everything." You'll never see that person because to you I need to be the tough one, the take no shit kind of girl. The side of me you never see is the side of me that is so wonderful. I've come to find that men cause the resentment in me to come out. I resent men. I've been wronged, horribly wronged, and I know how it hurts. I can't let anyone in and that's my biggest problem. The closer I get to someone, the more afraid I become. You're my best friend. You mean the entire world to me. I have fear. I fear that maybe if I don't give you this attitude, I'll be too soft, and you'll leave me. I'm a strong willed Italian woman, headstrong, and I take myself really seriously. I've made so many mistakes in the past few years and I wouldn't change a thing. I built off them and now I'm a much better person. So what, my past blew, I'm changing myself to make my future better. Things just aren't going as planned. Anyway, the point is that I'm ruining things and it's not making me feel better.

Perfection (n) - an ideal instance; a perfect embodiment of a concept.

Why is everyone always trying to make things perfect? It rarely ever works, unless they reach their own level of perfection, what they believe is perfect. No one has the perfect relationship, the perfect soul, the perfect anything, but I guess everyone has their own estimations. There is not one point or thing in my life that I could say has reached perfection. I wish there was. Try and try again as the old addage goes. I'm a fuck up, I always have been, always will be. I want to try so hard to make everything better, to make everything right, but as always I know I will fail. I'm not pessimistic, I just don't see a point in looking for rainbows and butterflies when they're not always going to be there. I've come to the painful realization that you need to do what makes you happy, whether other people like it or not. I've been very lucky my whole life, not always having things handed to me, I learned to value a lot of things. So what if I think differently? Everyone does. When I'm happy, you'll know. You can't push me, you can't think that if you change the least bit and hope I notice that I'll be happy. Everything in life is hard, but you can make things easy. Our situation is completely fucked up and so is the way we treat each other. Shape up or ship out, that's my favorite saying, and it has so much meaning. There isn't much more I could handle, so if you think you can't take the extra steps to make it work, we're nothing. I love you, I've loved you always. Don't make me regret this, please?

There was something different about us, then.....

Most recently I introduced a local band, The Five Percent, to my boyfriend. Before I introduced them to him I would listen to them here and there, but since I sent him their cds, I've been listening to them non-stop. I love music that I can really relate to, and they make every situation into a seemingly beautiful song. Their music style isn't anything to thrash to or "rock out" to, but they still make great music. The first time I heard of them was when a friend of mine wanted me to listen to a band that her cousin was the drummer for. She turned on the cd in the car one night, and from that moment on, I loved them. About a month after I heard their cd for the first time, we went to see them at a small show at one of our local college's arts building. I couldn't stop singing their songs, and I couldn't believe how much their music really spoke to my soul. The lead singer's voice was "like a combination of Fergie and Jesus." Not really Fergie, but Jesus and someone who is a really talented singer. I just remember how diverse the crowd was, high school kids, college kids, business men and women, and older people. I wondered how many of these people were related to the members of the band, and then I found out that at most 5 of them were. When I saw how many people truly loved their music, I was turned on to them right away.

The band is composed of 4 young gentlemen. Matt (lead vocals and guitar), Neil (vocals and guitar), Brian (bass), and T. (drums). Their music isn't bubblegum pop or anything too dark and mysterious. They are classified as Adult Alternative/Pop Rock and there is never any despair or wallowing in their musical ways. When you listen to a cd or even a song by The Five Percent, you realize how sincere they really are when it comes to music and lyrics. I think that their music is very airy and has a tinge of rock here and there. They get their inspiration from the riches of the world but don't necessarily need the riches to keep writing and giving their music with equal opportunity. The band has been across the world many times, performing concerts and selling thousands and thousands of cds. There isn't much difference between TFP and a nationally acclaimed band, the only difference is a couple dollars really. TFP is very modest about their music and they all say how much they love to write and provide a sense of comfort and understanding to their fans.

Unfortunately I've only been lucky enough to see them once, but they make appearances across the U.S. and locally too. It's great, now that I'm 21, I could go and see them play in bars so it makes it much easier than it used to be. They have such a great sound and great lyrics, the only thing is that they are on an independant label so you'll never hear them on the radio. If they were to get signed by a record label I think they'd get a lot of radio time, they'd be really popular locally but I'm sure they'd hit it big across the U.S. TFP is also featured in the "Concert for A Cause" show annually held here in Wilkes Barre, and they make many appearances at local bars and sometimes colleges. You can now purchase their music on ITunes which is pretty cool and I know that the local record stores have their cds too. If you have any time I really think you should check them out. Their website is; The Five Percent.

I'm glad to get to share this information about such a great band with everyone and I'd really suggest you check them out. You'll understand why I love them so much if you do.

On a completely different note, I was talking to a friend of mine earlier and they gave me the link to a youtube video that was pretty hilarious in my estimation. It was some idiot playing super mario and he was completely frustrated, but he said such unnecessary things that it was pretty funny. I have so much to do but the fact that I could sit here and tool around on the internet is always good. I haven't posted in so long, it felt good to get this going again. Hopefully I'll be making another post soon and you can all enjoy. :] Make the most of today :]

This is pretty funny, actually it's a gem.

James Harrison after his 100 yd touchdown return


I'll post some stuff later :]

I'm wide awake and so alive, ringing like a bell.......

You hear that first riff of the guitar and you feel it in your bones. Your eyes light up and a smile makes it's way across your mouth. Music is your escape, music makes you feel better, music let's you pour out all of your pain. Music is you. One song starts and it turns into a whole playlist. One song into another, into another, into your life. It seems like every opportunity you have, you use a lyric from one of your favorite songs to express how you feel. Music impacts every person differently, but one thing about music is the same for everyone, it's a passion. There's one thing I can always remember, the first instance where I used music as my escape.

Growing up, cousins were easy to find, I mean I have a million. Aunts and uncles were pretty sparse, 7 on my dad's side, none on my mother's. When it came to having a close knit family though, that was my mom's side. My grandmother had six siblings, five of which I had the amazing chance to meet and bond with. They were my great-aunts and uncles, the ones who taught me all I know about my Italian heritage, how to respect my family, and even when it was hard, how to listen to my parents' requests. My most favorite uncle was always my uncle Carlo, he taught me everything I know, I'd like to thank him for my attitude. As time went on, I realized in my own young age that my great-aunts and uncles were getting older, and I didn't seem to mind. One by one they were passing on and I was hurting inside, but it wasn't until my uncle Carlo passed that something really hit me. I remember like it was yesterday, I woke up and got ready for school I was in the fifth grade and really didn't like it. I went along my whole day as if everything was perfect but when school let out, my mother hit me with the news. My uncle Carlo passed away, I can just remember sitting in the passenger seat of our van and crying my eyes out. I turned the radio up to stifle the sounds of my crying and that's when it hit me. Music was my outlet, music made me feel a little bit better. The song "Angel of Mine" by Monica came on. One of the lyrics is "how you changed my world you'll never know, I'm different now you helped me grow." That was the moment I knew that I had to do something with music. He was sending that song from the request drive in heaven straight to me. I'll never forget that moment. After this instance, I started singing. Lessons were the best thing I ever could have done, but now I'm afraid that my voice has been completely crippled by the terrible cigarette habit I had for those 2 years. I'm trying to restore my voice back to normal so I could sing to anyone like I always used to.

As the years have progressed I learned that I was into so many different genres of music. If I sit down and listen to a song, I truly listen. I dissect songs and pick them apart so that I can really analyze if I like them or not. I constantly find that I'm listening to more and more Indie and Folk music than I do any other genre. The greatest feeling in the world is to listen to a song and relate so much to the lyrics. Music teaches you so many lessons, and many of the artists of songs relate their music to their fans and listeners. Songs that have a real life meaning to the artist are the ones that I feel are most noble.

Some of the artists I listen to daily are:
Matt Nathanson
Dave Matthews Band
The Five Percent (local)
Lady Antebellum
Matthew West
Lil Wayne (I know)
Renee Olstead
Michael Buble
Tony Bennett
Rod Stewart

Basically what I want anyone who reads this post to do is to look deeper into your music collection. No matter how eclectic your taste, read into lyrics, listen as closely as you can, and don't just stimulate your ears. Every song that you listen to should be able to fit into any moment of your everyday life. Use lyrics as your getaway, use music as your medicine. Take a deep breath and listen. Make the most of today. :]

Okay so this is just for fun before a serious post.....

So, here's how it works:
1. Open your library (iTunes, Winamp, Media Player, iPod, etc)
2. Put it on shuffle
3. Press play
4. For every question, answer with the song that's playing
5. When you go to a new question, press the next button
6. Don't lie and try to pretend you're cool...



Opening Credits:
I'm Still In Love - The Five Percent


Waking Up:
Falling Apart - Matt Nathanson


First Day Of School:
Dave Matthews and Tim Reynolds - Granny


Falling In Love:
Stay (Wasting Time) - Dave Matthews Band


First Song:
Butterflies - The Five Percent


Fight Song:
Slow Cheetah - R.H.C.P


Breaking Up:
So Damn Lucky - Dave Matthews


Prom:
Dr. Carter - Lil Wayne


Life:
Miracle - Paramore


Mental Breakdown:
Over My Head (Cable Car) - The Fray

Driving:
Traffic - The Five Percent (perfection)

Flashback:
Still On My Brain - Justin Timberlake


Getting Back Together:
Disappear - Beyonce



Birth Of Child:
Ants Marching - Dave Matthews Band


Final Battle:
Walk Alone - The Five Percent


Death Scene:
Heartbreak World - Matt Nathanson

Funeral Scene
Money Honey - Lady Gaga

End Credits:
Radio Bye Bye - Coheed and Cambria

Running..... Keep running......

I should have run from you, but I was stupid.
I would have saved myself from being hurt everyday.
I woke up and find myself enclosed in pity and
self-consciousness. You didn't care about me, you never did.
But I was there for you, and I was stupid.

I need to move on because the way I'm feeling now is getting me nowhere. I'm going to stop focusing on all the bad stuff and I'm moving on. There are so many people that love me and would do anything for me. He's not one of them. All he does is make me feel like garbage and he always knows how to get to me. It makes me feel somewhat better that the angry stuff I always write revolves around him. What I wrote above is true. If I ran away from him when I had the chance I'd feel so much better, I'd feel perfect. Hate is baggage and life's too short to be pissed off all the time. I've got so many things going for me, and I'm using him as an excuse to hold myself back from excellence. I'll write more later..... Steeler's bowl tonight and I'm going to shower..... Make the most of today :]

So.....

I'm exhausted.


Fin.

Sometimes silence is the best.......

The phone rings and your first inclination is to answer right away, but it's best to just let it ring through to voicemail. The feeling is there, burning in your heart, your stomach rolls, the feelings are swirling like the start of a tornado. All the things you know that have gotten you to this point are lost, your mind is gone completely blank and all you worry about is him. He sends these chilling feelings down your whole body and you know you're in love. I've never questioned the way I felt about him, I've never once since the moment I met him thought about someone else, and somehow we still get into these arguments. The feelings just aren't there sometimes, not saying I stop loving him, but at times I feel like we are two different people. Maybe I should somewhat explain this before I continue.

I met John and from that moment I was in complete bliss. I finally found a guy who was truly interested in me and it felt really good. The first night we talked, we talked for 2 hours and from that moment I knew he was going to be someone special. We didn't really miss a beat in our conversation, it was like we'd known each other forever, that's what I liked about him. Sports, music, everything, we had everything in common. Unfortunately I fell asleep on him that night, I wake up in the middle of the night to put my computer away and find that he left me his phone number, he was pretty confident. I woke up somewhat early for a summer day and I texted him, not expecting a response, he came online and asked if I texted him. I was worried that he thought I was rushing so I tried to back off. He imed me every time he was online and the more we talked, the more I liked him. We started talking on the phone and that's when I fell in love. Everything about him was so perfect for me, he was and is my perfect guy.

The feelings I had then are eight hundred times stronger now, and they grow every day. He's the one I'm settling with, he's the one who made me realize it was okay to finally be me, and he was the one who showed me true love. Everyone I've been with before was into themselves and how they felt, not him. If I could sit here and try to list everything I love about him, I'd need infinite space to write. I know we fight more often than not but it's not because we don't love each other. The time and distance is just terrible at this point in the relationship. When I need to talk to someone, I find him. It's not that I don't want to be in the relationship but sometimes I feel like we're just not in the same place in time. I know how much he loves me, he loves me more than anything and I the same way with him. He's my priority and he's everything to me. I'm so comfortable with him and I'm just afraid he's too busy proving himself to other people than he is with being with me. I know that a lot of the things I say make me sound selfish, but I'm not selfish in the least.

I'd spill my guts for this boy. I'm in love with him, I want nothing but him. I'm marrying him, I'm being a mother to his children, I'm retiring with him, I'm going to be there when he needs me years and years down the road. He may think that sometimes I don't want to be with him, but in reality that's all I want. Distance is a bitch, but I know that it's the biggest problem we have. I'll never hurt him, I'll never leave him, and I hope he'll be the same with me. I'm 21 years old, ready to settle down. It's not a bad thing and I'm happy I finally found a guy who makes me feel this way about love. I've planned my wedding and when I step to that altar he's going to be the one standing infront of me. I think we both need to stop with the paranoia and we both need to realize that sometimes not talking is the best thing we could do for each other. Silence is golden.

You're my everything and that is the truth. Without you, I don't know where I'd be. You're amazing, gorgeous, and you're perfect for me. I can't wait to hold you and kiss you. I can't wait until we're both coming home from work and sitting on the couch just talking. I need you in my life. I want you in every aspect of my life. We're going to be an amazing couple and I promise you it starts now.

Options....

Ever since I was a youngin' I've been given options and choices. I walk into the mall or a store, and the shelves are laden with options. There are several things in life that don't allow you a choice or option and those are the most important things. Many oppurtunities come up along the way; but without a choice what is an oppurtunity? Unfortunately I've been out of work for three weeks and I don't really know if I'll still have a job after I recouperate from this bronchitis. I decided that while I was off and in bed for weeks I'd look for a new job, just in case the one I already have doesn't work out. I've applied at so many places, using customer service as my background, and only two have called me back. Let's outweigh the options.

The first option I have is the bank. Getting a job at the bank would mean some sort of job security and really good benefits. The job description I would have at the bank would be lavish as compared to the garbage that I have to do at my current job every day. All I would be expected to do is answer the phone, look up customer information on a computer, and enjoy time at a desk in a cubicle. The hours at the bank would be 9:30 to 6, how great is that? So the first thing, full time with benefits, this job looks pretty amazing.

My second option is Telerx. Telerx is a company where customers call and complain to the unsympathetic associates on the phone about their cookies and crackers being broken in the package. This job also offers benefits and is also full time. This job would consist of me sitting at a telephone all day listening to complaints and probably doing nothing but taking their information so the company could send them a new package or a free coupon for a new batch. The hours on this job? 11:30 A.M. to 8 P.M. That doesn't really appeal to me, I mean come on, I do have a life.

So here I am once again given options in my life with no idea what to choose. Well the bank would be the obvious choice but they may call me back next week and tell me that they found a better candidate for the one opening they have. If that happens my obvious choice will have to be Telerx, but I mean benefits and money make all the difference in the world.

Relationships on the other hand don't give you options or choices. Well, you're given choices but they aren't the good kind. The only choices you have in a relationship are where you're going to dinner or what movie looks like it's the best. All of my adult life, (compiled of the years 17-present) I've given myself options in my relationships. I'd be dating someone, who at the time I was "in love" with, and I'd still have the people on the side that were just there. Frequently enough I'd hang out with these people and get the good feelings I needed from them while the person I dated had staying power and was waiting for me to be ready. Right now I don't have options in my relationship, I have a choice. He's my choice and he's the only choice I'm going to be making in a long while. I've finally found someone that I'm going to settle down with and be with, sometimes I wish he had a choice. This guy has made me realize that I don't need options anymore and that I've really grown up. I'm happy about this because I finally know that there's someone who gets me. I've been going a long time with people thinking I'm just weird and obnoxious, but he really truly sees me for me. It gives me flutterbies.

So since I've been doing nothing but babbling, I hope this really makes you think about your opportunities, options, and choices. Life's what you make it, make it into something you want not something that is expected of you. Hopefully this job thing works out for the best and this relationship, too. Make the most of today. :]

I turn the radio on, I turn the radio up.

All the craziness has finally slowed down, thank God. I've been doing nothing but lying in bed and watching television. First of all the one thing I'm really looking forward to on television is happening on February 1st on NBC. That's right, it's the Super Bowl. My Pittsburgh Steelers are making their way back into the hearts of fans everywhere. In the area I live, the Steelers are the real big thing. We have a little shop about 15 minutes away where there is nothing but Steelers paraphanalia which I think is pretty awesome.

Ben Roethlisberger just needs to go another three days without hopping on a motorcycle and we'll be fine. The running game the Steelers have could be deadly if used correctly. Santonio Holmes is really a secret weapon. Hines Ward is coming back for the Super Bowl which is a really good thing for fans everywhere. Willie Parker has a really great rushing game if they allow him to run the ball. Troy is going to be the one to make this game worth watching, atleast I have a feeling he is.

As you may know, my team is the Yankees and the only thing I will do is read Joe Torre's book where he bashes them with nothing but unconditional love. If Brian Cashman didn't fuck everything up with him, he'd still be with my team. LA Dodgers should be my new team because Joe Torre is an amazing manager. I have to give credit to my boyfriend, John, for even bringing up the fact that he was writing a book to air all the dirty laundry about ARod and the whole team in general. George Steinbrenner could suck it.

So about me, I'm 21 and drinking alcohol is not really my thing. I took time out of my life to quit school and have a terrible job but I'm going to make things up soon. I've got a boyfriend who I care about more than anything. We're in love. I love to read, write, and watch television. Music is one of the greatest loves of my life. No matter what kind of mood you're in, your favorite music will always make you happy. I love to sing and dance no matter who is around. Check back for many more posts.